Feeling a Disconnect

If you want to change your life,
change your inner programming.~~Me

WARNING AHEAD...experiencing one of my rare PMS moments!

Hubby has left for his 10-day trip to California without waking me. I heard through my oldest DD he is heading to San Diego rather than just visiting the Bay Area. Granted...I haven't been approachable due to his recent business decision which impacting our lives, our future significantly. He is now afraid to talk to me about his trips in advance. He is fearful of my unfavorable reaction? I am guilty as charged. I haven't been the supportive wife and best friend that I should be. My inner voice tells me he is doing it for our benefits. He needs to know he is NOT alone. Why am I holding on to my fear, anxiety, and anger?

What put me over the edge this morning was that my kitchen was a MESS--caked baking utensils and mixing bowls overflown both sides of the sinks; two oven-sized cookie sheets coated with dried, hardened cookie crumbs, flours and baking ingredients all over the floor and counter...No, cookie monster didn't drop by uninvited. It was my 12-year-old baker baking aplenty (delicious cookies) for the siblings last night. Cleaning after herself has not registered yet no matter how much I set examples. I know, it will come...when it becomes important to her. But, I can't help to wonder when that time may be. Why did a messy kitchen bother me so?

Kids are at Day Camp all week and they have been reminded repeatedly by their counselors to be on time--at campsite by 10 a.m. It's hard enough to pack everything for the day...food, drinks, and knitting projects to fill my day at the park while the kids are at camp. Now, my morning routine has been interrupted. I did not scream or shout. But, I was fixated in restoring my kitchen to order. Funny time happened at that moment. Both girls switched to high gear. One got lunches made/packed for all three children and loaded up the van; the other unloaded and put away clean dishes...cleaning the counter and floor...while I attended to the dirty dishes. I can't stop but wonder How are the girls so sensitive to my mood? Are they fearful of me? Or, are they simply loving and caring beings, sensible to my needs and wants?

Half an hour later, my kitchen was restored--at the expense of the children arriving at camp 10 minutes late this morning. This unwillingness of mine, stressed by my outraged exclamation mark, means that I cannot be happy unless my kitchen is orderly. As a result, my children were punished--they were late for camp--and that in itself made me unhappy too. Am I destined to be unhappy?

There is a disconnect here, confused at which inner voices to trust, but I'm committed to have a breakthrough in this area of my life, for my happiness and well-being, and that of each and every one of my children. I'm called to make a difference--right where I am. I don’t need to wait until I get a better job, bigger house, more free time, or more money to start making a difference--I can start today, right where I am.

Encourage, Inspire, and Laugh!

0 encouragements:

True learning-learning that is permanent and useful,that leads to intelligent action and further learning, can arise only out of the experience, interest, and concerns of the learner.
John Holt
Real heroes are men who fall, fail and are flawed, but win out in the end because they stayed true to their ideals, beliefs and commitments.
Actor Kevin Costner

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