Process Versus Product

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters
of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
and though they are with you,
yet they belong not to you.
~~excerpt from The Prophet

It's not news I am an obsessed knitter/craft junkie. Recently, a friend's husband spotted me on the street by my double-knitting scarf in the making, draped around my neck! (Just imagine I am caught on candid camera...comical you say.) Now leading up to the core of the post...just bear with me a little longer, I am getting there.

The notion of process versus product surfaces regularly in conversations among knitters. Process knitters enjoy the act of knitting, the feel of the yummy fiber as each strand passes through their fingers, seeing each stitch emerge and pattern gradually reveal, and the meditative state of busy fingers. Product knitters appreciate seeing, feeling, and using their Finished Objects (FO), happily foregoing swatching (that's me!) or knitting with bulkier yarn in order to get their FO off the needles sooner.

Like many knitters, I have both process and product tendencies. I will elaborate on that over my crafty blog on another day. As an unschooling parent, I am much less concerned with how my children will turn out. I cringed when I hear people declaring they are considering prep school for their preschool-age children in order for them to get a good education, get into a good college and have the right
ions in life--the very same song my parents sang. I'm not looking to mold my children into a packaged product, a slick and glossy FO whose achievements I may brag about.

I love sharing in my children's process of childhood, learning alongside them, watching them emerge and evolve. If one day, they could ever be considered FOs, I trust they will turn out just fine.

I recall a passage from THE PROPHET by Khalil Gibran: Your Children are Like Arrows. It struck me, then and now, the most important thing to me is my children are unstressed by artificial, societal constraints, loved, and loving in their everyday lives, playful and free to learn what they need and desire--at every given moment--and my personal experience with our way of living so far enable me to trust the process is working in good order.


Last week, my 12-year-old became happily employed, independent young lady and received her first hard-earned wages. She is only an inch shorter than me, but her feet is a size or more larger than mine. I reminisce and relish the first day she came into my life in my arms, for the first time, tiny and crinkly...Life is short. If parents spend time spinning their wheels trying to re-make their children, the chance to really know the children as they already are is lost.

Here is a bit of sweetness to fill your home and your heart with...while baking and cooking aplenty. Everyone, children or adults, can't wait for these muffins to come out of the oven! Triple the recipe...you won't regret it.

(Makes 18 average-sized muffins)
½ C Brown Sugar, packed
½ C Olive Oil (or Applesauce)
4 Eggs
1 15-oz Canned Pumpkin
½ C Water
1 t Vanilla Extract
1 C All-purpose Flour
½ C Whole Wheat Flour
3/4 t Baking Powder
½ t Baking Soda
¼ t Ground Cloves (add more Ground Cinnamon or Allspice if you don't have this)
1 t Ground Cinnamon
¼ t Salt
¼ t Ground Nutmeg (add more Ground Cinnamon if you don't have this)
¼ Cup semisweet chocolate chips and/or chopped nuts(optional)

Preheat oven to 400°. Line muffin (or loaf) pan with liner. Mix sugar, oil, eggs, vanilla, then, add pumpkin and water. In another bowl, mix together remaining ingredients. Add wet mixture and stir in chocolate chips and/or nuts. Fill muffin cups 2/3 full with batter. Bake in preheated oven for 20 to 25 minutes.

Great served warm with butter the next day, if any left! Another option: Sprinkle cinnamon sugar on top of the muffins before baking. The kids love them!

DREAM...EXPLORE...AND DISCOVER!!

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Building Self Confidence

Successful people are not those who never fall
but those who keep getting up after their falls.
Instead of feeling fear,
they feel comfortable with falls
and inspired to keep going.

There have been quite a few interesting threads on RCU list recently. They got me pondering on my own thinking errors, relationship with and influence in my children. Anxieties about How will they ever learn? or They will take advantage of me come from my past, projected as fear into the future. These are grist for the mill of my personal development and have nothing to do with my children. Be here now with them and I'll know how to honor who they are and to cherish the moment with them. Listen to who they are rather than to voices from my past and pressures from friends and family. My delight in them will result in their self-esteem.

(PHOTO RIGHT: Little Bear brought to you earlier today at Crystal Peaks Horse Rescue Ranch where we volunteer) My children's spirit can shrivel without actual verbal abuse; it's the more subtle ways of diminishing their senses of self that often escape my scrutiny. Here is a reminder list that helps me focus on their senses of confidence and self-worth:
1. Help them only when they ask and only as much as they ask. Uninvited help is likely to cause them to conclude that they are incapable because the silent message they receive from me is I don't think you can do this on your own. You need my help. You are not capable.

(PHOTO LEFT: Say Hello to Molly, sweetest gal on the ranch) 2. Provide them with the freedom to try things on their own even when I know they cannot do them (as long as they are safe and, when not, provide an alternative.) Grant them the opportunity to fail or err. They will learn from such personal experience that she is strong and capable in the face of difficulties and that they can rely on themselves.

3. Support their choices without expecting specific results. Accept outcomes with neutrality and emotional expressions with respect and care. I can validate their frustration, joy, or disappointment--but keep my opinion about their actions to myself--or at least make sure it doesn't sway them away from their own convictions: My view is different and I enjoy seeing you going on your own path.

(PHOTO RIGHT: My Irish friend Cathi and her sweatpeas Aine & Arling) 4. Express gratitude and avoid correcting or criticizing their actions. If they offer to sweep the floor and I then redo the sweeping, they are unlikely to offer their helps again and will see themselves as incapable or even clumsy. If DD#1 mowed the lawn (which she just did two days ago) and I express dissatisfaction--because it's a little uneven--or if their spelling or reading errors are pointed out when they didn't ask for it, their self-esteem and development will undoubtedly suffer. One who makes an effort to do something helpful need to hear only gratitude, not evaluation, and one who learns new skills needs trust and sometimes acknowledgement, not criticism. My children will improve their abilities with time, provided they feel good about themselves and receive the learning tools they ask for (classes, books, tools, feedback, etc.)

5. Avoid praise and instead mirror their expressed feelings and share in their joy. This is particularly difficult challenge for me personally. Praising children for behaviors (You are so helpful, Dear!) and achievements (I'm so proud you won first place in the contest!) causes them to do things for the sake of getting the kudos rather than for their own sake. They may do anything to win my praise and may become dependent on external approval and achievement-based acceptance. Thus, ironically, praise and rewards can lower their self-esteem just as surely as criticism can.

6. Let go of my agenda for them and cherish them exactly the way they are. Expressing expectations as in Say Hi to Auntie Cathi can leave them feeling inadequate especially if they force themselves to comply with my wish. Even achievements must be their agenda, not mine. If I say You will be such a great performer they may fear they could not live up to my standards and give up or they may devote themselves to music theater work to please me. They may then lose their authentic motivation or even their passion. It's best to just avoid making suggestions or creating expectations for achievement. My joy in who they are and in their points of view is a vote of confidence that is by far more likely to preserve their natural motivation to excel.

7. Avoid negating their expressions and direction as much as possible. Saying NO too often or contradicting their ideas can wilt their assurances in themselves because they may conclude My choices seem to be the wrong ones. I can't trust myself. Even if they can't have what they want, their choices are still valid and worthy of consideration.

8. Avoid comparing them to anyone else. Allow them the burden of responsibility based on their readiness and interests. When I do everything for them, selecting what they should wear, suggesting what they should do, or reminding them of tasks and obligations (when not asked to) I undermine their senses of responsibility, fostering a loss of self-reliance. By being responsible for their own choices and actions, they will develop a sense of self-trust.

9. Listen to them and validate their emotional expressions. Their self-esteem will grow from knowing that their feelings and how they express them are valued.

10. Respect their knowledge and wisdom. If they ask questions, don't turn my responses into lectures or tests. Such act often leaves them feeling humiliated or bored and therefore less willing to inquire again. They will share their knowledge and interest with me more often when I don't probe and teach.

11. Treat them as my equal. Equal doesn't mean the same. They lack experience and deserve to have their limitations respected as well as enjoyed. Entering life later than someone else doesn't render anyone less worthy or deserving of full respect. My children are always doing the best they can, just like me.

12. Spilled milk isn't an invitation for criticism but for help in cleaning it up. When they make mistakes, stay neutral or helpful.I must focus on what is needed in the present (I can investigate my thoughts later for my own sake.) If they are upset, listen, validate, and reassure them of my love and appreciation. If they do something that seem to me stupid or clumsy, keep the criticism to myself (it's material for my own self-discovery) or reflect on their feelings they may be pleased with themselves or they might feel embarrassed, angry or confused. If they express self-doubt, I can validate so they know such things happen to everybody and are part of being human.

13. Devote time to them. Be a focused and engaged companion. If I tell them I have no time to do this with you or I'll play with you later regularly, they will see themselves as unimportant.

14. When I am with them, follow their leads and participate in their world respectfully. I can lead when they ask me to. Make sure they know how happy I am to be with them...and I really am!

15. When they ask for assistance, respond as promptly as I can and with a joyful spirit. Don't make them conclude in any way they are a nuisance to me.

DREAM...EXPLORE...AND DISCOVER!

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Autonomy and Power

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.~~Mark Twain

Children often feel helpless because they are small and inexperienced in a complex, big, and fast world--so many machines they can't touch, big people and animals they may fear, places they can't go to on their own, heights they cannot reach, things they need help with, events they find scary, and speeds they cannot grasp. Many of their upsets result from feeling helpless.

Unlike me, my children are not ready to give up on what they want in the present for the sake of the future. They know I take their immediate choices seriously. As with other emotional deprivations, I don't want their struggling with a sense of helplessness or deprived of feeling that they are in control of their lives may become angry, aggressive, or depressed.

Though I cannot eliminate their sense of helplessness, I can dramatically improve their chance of experiencing themselves as autonomous and powerful. I am their power extension into whatever is beyond their reach. They can affect their environment through me. Sometimes that entails doing things for them; but more often, it means getting out of the way and making their path safe and nurturing. By making the physical and social environments safe and healthy, I can eliminate the need to restrict or direct them. They can choose and direct their own activities, foods, timetable, and interests within the safe environment I've created.

Their sense of autonomy and power is not a function of being able to access everything that is available in our society, but rather of a day-to-day freedom in our home and social environment. Don't take my children to a candy store and then forbid them from eating candy--they will feel resentful and helpless. If I don't go to the candy store and provide healthy treats at home, they will feel autonomous and content. I provide leadership in terms of the direction of the family life so my children have freedom to trust themselves. As they grow older, they will be exposed to more and more of what is available; feeling secure in themselves. They will make choices based not on social pressures but on their authentic preferences and values.

My relationship with my children is out of trust not control. They take my wisdom and guidance seriously because they know I am on their sides. This trust will be handy when they become engaged with the community and society at large. Instead of resenting my ideas because of seeing me as the one controlling and negating them, they will hopefully seek my advice as their loving ally. My children will not take advantage of me just because they are not controlled. They are not living in fear that their power will be taken away, that they will be controlled, coerced, or directed. They have no need to take advantage of anyone. Their desires are only to take care of themselves and when respected they thrive. A thriving one is too busy and happy to bother with negative strategies.

By not depriving my children of their power, I do not mean that I give them license to do whatever they want. Like me, children live in a world that sets its own physical and social boundaries. I just need to be authentic with my children so they live a real life and not a fantasy life in which all their wishes are promptly fulfilled. Natural frustrations not imposed by anyone are a healthy part of growing up; I need only to validate my children's feelings and listen.

A child who feels powerful has no need to resort to destruction or to bullying; yet a child who feels incompetent or helpless very well might, especially if he has no safe means of expressing himself. Respecting their individual needs and inclinations can go a long way toward preventing a sense of helplessness and its resulting defiance.

(Sculpture taken at the Fair) Life with children flows when I simply follow their lead and respect their choices, rather than whack my brain for what I think is right for them.

Encourage, inspire, laugh...Go GREEN!

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No Guarantee in Life

Traditional parenting is based on earning love and approval
by exhibiting the 'right' attitudes and 'right' behavior.
Love is not earned--it is given

Like every nurturing, loving parent, Mommylicious raised these valid concerns, "But what should I do when she refuses to eat veggies.......and all she wants is candy? What should I do when she hits another child because she wants their toy? There are going to be times when she will "break" the rules. How should I handle that? How do you handle when your children do something that you don't like? Will the Grace-Based parenting book teach me how to handle situations like this? I am very curious.....because I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking I have coerced her to be something that she in not. I want to train her towards her bent in life.....but at the same time...I have the responsibility to teach her right from wrong..."

How I wish I can tell you ONE BOOK that will do the magic, give you the assurance I too long for. Like millions, I too started parenting in the traditional way, the only and best way I knew how. Through many trials and errors, to my own demise, I discovered the hard way traditional way doesn't allow me to raise my children in the way I now believe God intended.

Quoting a wise, unschooler mom, "Traditional parenting is based on fear of punishment. Jesus taught that the greatest commandment is to love God and love each other. Real love cannot coexist with fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.~~I John 4:8

We can't be in real relationship with someone that we are afraid of. We can never be who we really are with them because we are always afraid of what they might think of us or what they might do when we disappoint them. When our children are afraid of us they will always hide part of themselves from us.

When I stopped assuming that my kids were always trying to push my buttons and started assuming that they were just being kids, the whole atmosphere in my house changed. It really helped me when I started trying to see my kids the way God sees them. He accepts and loves them just the way they are. I try very hard to make my home a safe place to make mistakes. I talk a lot about the mistakes I have made so
my kids are okay with the idea of messing up. How do you not have rules and consequences and manage to have kids that respect and listen to their parents, that participate for the good of the family that don't 'rule' and are the 'center' of the household and that understand the rights/needs of others? Is this even reasonable to expect at these [young] ages [10 and 12]??? I teach my children to understand and respect the rights and needs of others by respecting their rights and needs. I don't know how to let go and still keep them safe and keep them aware of not only their own rights/needs/wants but those of others and keep some amount of respect for the house we live in, too. Consider the idea of houses aren't worthy of respect. Accidentally spilling something on the carpet because you forget about bringing your drink in the room isn't disrespectful--it's an accident. Accidents happen because we all make mistakes."

Instead of thinking tug-of-war--one party lets go, the other is flying backwards to land who-knows-how-or-where--see your life with your precious princess as a wonderful journey that you are all on together. She sometimes may fall along the path and scrape her knees or drop her lunch in the creek. But, you and your mother are always there kiss her boo boos and give her you own sandwich.

The change in my way of thinking, living, learning, parenting did not happen overnight. God showed me, others, and He will show you too. Ask Him. He promises that He will. "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."~~Psalm 32:8 Keep your eyes and ears open, your precious princess will lead you to the answers that you seek.

Babies don't require a whole lot of materialistic possession. They don't have to be dressed from The Gap. They don't really need those fancy toys. Before making a life altering decision, think the well being of your precious princess. She will grow up happy and loved...with you.

Nope...there is no guarantee in this life. Life happens. Things change. Circumstances change. Things don't always turn out as you and I hope or plan. Things may be stressful--but with the support of friends--(you who lift me up every time I am knocked down!) I know things will get better! I will be much wiser...Why are our eyes positioned in front? God did not place our eyes on our back so we may look ahead of us, think about the past no more. I often ponder the thoughts. Setbacks are part and parcel of life.More on this to come.

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Philosophy of Life/Parenting **Lengthy Post**

There are no good days and no bad days
only days of grace...
grace to enjoy what is happening
and grace to endure what is happening
...only days of grace"
~~Graham Cooke

There is nothing more heartwarming than a Warm Welcome Home, You're Missed from you, my friends. If you visit my crafty blog and Ravelry, you'd know I have been busy beyond word!...And, this one is for you, Mommylicious.

Before my spill of parenting reading recommendation, I'd like to elaborate on my philosophy of life: Living is learning...learning is living. The world is our classroom. Parenting is very much an integral part of living and learning.

When I was pregnant with my oldest, I knew my life was going to completely change. I'd witnessed enough of other parents to see it wasn't easy; but, I didn't really know what I was in for. I didn't really have a parenting philosophy at that point. Being the new parent that I was, I read a lot of parenting books. I basically thought of my parenting philosophy then as attachment parenting. Even with that, there are different viewpoints.

Over time, I came to realize there is a One and Only True Parenting Philosophy. If sleep is essential to your well-being (and, of course, it is to everyone, but different people have different thresholds,) letting your baby cry it out might be right for you. If having your child in your bed makes everyone in your family happy, enjoy. If you all get a crappy night's sleep and you're starting to resent your child, make a change. If your child is over one (or two or three,) and breastfeeding is still working, by all means continue on. If you are starting to resent it or just feel the time is right, do not feel guilty about weaning. I saw a lot of women struggling with nursing older children in La Leche League, and while my children all nursed until they were older than 4 years of age, I don't think a lot of these women got honest answers. When it's not working, stop feeling guilty and make a change. Guilt is useless. My advice is not for everyone.

I don't really have a parenting philosophy anymore, at least one that has a label--grace-based, respectful, mindful, non-coercive/non-punitive, attachment, child-centered...I've never been more sure of my parenting. I think babies and children need love and a load of holding, touching, hugging, kissing...I wish for my children to see me, a nurturing mother, leading an adult life. I should have a productive life outside of the child--let it be cooking, gardening, knitting, working, reading, involving in community services-big or small, pampering myself...whatever it is I want and wish to do. My children can come along for the ride if they so desire. I wish for my children to be happy, kind, loving, self-sufficient, resourceful, and most of all, be THEMSELVES. It is a good target to shoot for. A lot of women feels guilty because they weren't getting enough done outside of taking care of the children and the house.

When it comes to dealing with the up-and-down world of emotions, my children naturally take their cues from me. Am I the wear-it-on-my-sleeve kind of person or the keep-it-bottled-up type? Do I frown upon frowning, or do I find emotional moments a time for drawing close? More important, how does my style affect my own children or the children in my care occasionally?

My attitude toward emotions, especially negative ones, like sadness or anger, can shape how my children learn to handle their own feelings. Good parenting doesn’t mean that I always have to cry at Disney movies. We all have different approaches to emotional experiences, but some are more helpful in nurturing emotional development than others. Decide what works for your family, and go with that. My husband and I found the approach that works with our family and that's all I know. It was a natural progression for hubby and me from organic consensual living, pro-natural birth, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and just a basic wanting to be very conscious about all our decisions and not just doing things the way everyone else does without thinking. We've adjusted and rethought things many times over the years with respect to our family's lifestyle and unschooling. I'm so thankful for how our God has led us through so far--the good decisions and especially the times of doubt. Life is all about the journey, not the destination.

Now back to my recommended readings...though many are categorized under education, they are relevant in raising our children:

FREE ONLINE RESOURCES
http://theparentingpit.com/
http://freechild.info/
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove
http://www.parentinginjesusfootsteps.org/
http://www.naturalchild.org/
http://stoptherod.net/
http://nospank.net/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NoMoreSpanking/
"Much too Early!" that talk about children's education.
The Reality of Virtual Stress David Elkind really knows his Piaget (my favorite--one of the foremost educational thinkers,) his Steiner, his Montessori, and David can give you a bit of an overview (within his context, but it's still good.)

RECOMMENDED BOOKS
Parenting a Free Child: An Unschooling Life" by Rue Kream
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort
Living joyfully with children by Win Sweet
Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion through Love instead of fear by Pam Leo
Last child in the woods : saving our children from nature-deficit disorder by Richard Louv
Hold on to your kids: why parents need to matter more than peers by Gordon Neufeld
Unconditional parenting : moving from rewards and punishments to love… by Alfie Kohn
Teach your own: the John Holt book of homeschooling by John Holt
The secret of parenting: how to be in charge of today's kids--from toddlers to preteens--without threats or punishment by Anthony E. Wolf
Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times by Zoe Weil

Reggio Emilio Approach to Education...Touch, therefore I learn. Reggio Emilio is an unique way of looking at the way children learn. It challenges our understanding of potential and of how potential is recognized and interpreted. Reggio Emilia looks to the environment and the community and the child's point of view as the foundation for learning. Much of the understandings and discoveries developed by the children are gained through their fresh, uninhibited creativity via mediums of visual and performing arts. The beauty of the Reggio Emilio approach to learning is that the children themselves set their own individual pathway to learning at a level that is right for them. For example, a child with a language difficulty is able to demonstrate their understanding through sculpture, sketching and art. Conversely, through the Reggio approach, a gifted child is able to extend his or her learning by extending their challenges beyond the expected parameters. The Hundred Languages of Children: The Reggio Emilia Approach Advanced Reflections contains a comprehensive description of this program. Last exhibit touring with examples of Reggio Emilio, called The Hundred Languages of Children, was on display at the J.D. Carrier Gallery of the Columbus Centre, in Toronto, Ontario, last February. Bringing Reggio Emilia Home: An Innovative Approach to Early Childhood Education by Louise Boyd Cadwell, Lella Candini, and Lella Gandini is my favorite Reggio Emilia overview book.

You may read Kirsty Liljegren's findings based on her project undertaken with a group of 4- and 5 years old together--with their teachers and families--Spirals are never ending learning

Another suggested read - Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn--and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less by Roberta Michnick, Golinkoff, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek and Diane Eyer.

Play=Learning: How Play Motivates and Enhances Children's Cognitive and Social-Emotional Growth by Dorothy G. Singer, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek

"Play is to early childhood as gas is to a car," say Hirsh-Pasek and Golinkoff, explaining that reciting and memorizing will produce "trained seals" rather than creative thinkers. Creativity and independent thinking, they argue, are true 21st-century skills; IQ and other test scores provide a narrow view of intelligence. The authors walk parents through much of the recent research on the way children learn--debunking such myths as the Mozart effect--and pointing out that much learning unravels naturally, programmed through centuries of evolution.

The Hurried Child: growing up too fast too soon by David Elkind

To wrap up this lengthy post, my best advice--worry less, trust more, and just have fun with your precious princess!

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