Try or Triump?

The difference between try and triumph is a little umph."
~~Author Unknown

(Latest Manga Creation by DD#2) Whenever I get really tired, I think of the quote above. I love it.

No, I haven't fallen off the edge of the earth. I've just been...well, not really busy or depressed than usual...but in a different space. More introspective, less bloggy.

I have been overwhelmed or consumed by many sad encounters since early in the year. I tend to absorb involuntarily other people's moods and be depressed about others' misfortunes like family quarrels, losing jobs/homes, terminal illness, life-threatening disease, divorce gone sour, unpleasant child custody battle, friends moving out of state...Now, hubby is talking about opportunities in other states when we finally are settling down and making connection. I am having a hard time focusing and staying grounded. I want to scream; instead, I go on living like everything is normal.

Recently, I came across an article outlining codependent behavior characteristics by a family therapist. Much to my surprise, I fit in many of the characteristics described. For example, I have a difficult time saying NO or setting healthy boundaries with people. I feel most happy when I am giving in a relationship. I do not feel comfortable being on the receiving end. I feel very uncomfortable asking for help. I am much more comfortable being the one in the helper role. I usually deny, downplay, justify, or ignore my own feelings, and focus on others. I eventually resent when others do not do for me, even though I have difficulty asking for what I want. When did being a respectful/mindful parent and love for others become a co-dependent? For this, I am lost!

I want badly to regain my old self who don't panic over nothing, worry about ridiculous things, absorb other people's moods, and be depressed for no apparent reason. I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side and there are much worst scenarios than I have to deal with. But I can't help the way I feel right now. This may not make sense to you or others...but I feel like "Manures are pouring over me constantly and I am trying hard to merely stay above it." Thus, I find myself in hibernation while working out my inner challenges.

Thanks to my sister in Christ, Dena, for being voices of clarity:

Your own disillusionment is right on time, too... your eyes are being opened to reality, with the facade of the system peeling away. The kids aren't quite as needy, and you're in a time of reevaluating your life. And, seriously, you're undergoing a huge paradigm-shift (overused word, but real nonetheless). You're becoming ever-more authentic, and you're leaving your husband behind in the dust. Now that he's aware of it, he's likely perplexed... what happened to my wife?!? Who IS this woman?!? I don't want changes to my life! We could each share whatever we've experienced along these lines, and how we got from the mess to the mutuality, but it's not a formula, and only God can lead you from here to there.

Be assured, I am walking, not running...I'll snap out of it soon.

On a lighter side, I'm excited about my adventure in knitting lately but probably should be more excited and worried about potential move in the future but probably should be more worried. Eh. No, it will be awesome, really--moving in sight, unseen. Who wouldn't welcome warmer weather, milder winter, and easy access to beaches (San Diego, Phoenix, or back where we came from--Danville, CA?) Then again, it could be another false alarm.